You are only looking for someone to rescue you because when you needed it, once-upon-a-thousand-times, you were always alone, always the one-left-facing-the-others, always abandoned to save yourself and all you knew was shame, and that your otherness set you apart from the herd in such a way that you knew that you didn’t belong; more so, that you were not wanted, that nobody chose you because you were not enough.
This has driven every interaction with others since.
At first there is the scan, the perimeter check to sense whether you are safe, or not, parsing their intentions for truth, or lie, and then, the waiting for acceptance, or rather, just a welcome.
Sometimes you fold yourself into a different shape, speak their language back to them, mirror their habits.
How you watch for clues of how they fit into their world—the one they have made with their own hands, shaped with their own rules, only to feel that aching hunger, because now, in these moments, you are the one doing the abandoning.
You have abandoned yourself to be something that you are not.
Listen, in every instance ask:
Am I still a peaceful place for myself, here?
Do I still feel my own breath?
Does my name still sound beautiful in my own ears?
© Liezel Graham 2026
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