Conversations with my brother.

It’s a funny thing, life.

How we spend years under the same roof, intimately familiar with each other’s morning hair and how we prefer our coffee, but we don’t talk.

About the important things. The things that reveal the state of our breath — whether our hearts are bleeding, still.

We dance around the inane and get distracted by that which tells nothing.

And this goes on for years. A revolving door of pleasantries; tip-toeing around the marrow of our hurts.

Until.

We’ve had a few of those, haven’t we?

Those moments where the earth stops spinning on its axis and the breath is sucked from our lungs with a fierce ferocity.

And instead of drawing closer, we draw apart.

To heal, we say, but, what we really mean is to hide.

And here we are, with years on our faces and life has caused a geographical divide to bloom between us. But, our hearts — connected by unseen strands of the familiar, still recognise each other.

Each still knows the other’s laughter.

And I now, recognise the pain that you carry within your bones.

It is mine, too.

An unwanted gift with nowhere to call home, except the inside of our DNA.

This is the thing that connects us — this knowledge of things experienced that were never meant to be.

But they were.

And with it, our hearts were eviscerated.

We know this now.

At last.

It is still raw. This pain. Although, now, mercifully wrapped in the tissue that our bodies produce when the thing that will not leave us, is too great to constantly be paraded in our memories.

And now, even though our branches have grown apart, our roots remain entwined.

Love has held us.

Yes.

It has.

And I am watching you tentatively take the first steps on the same journey that I once had to take.

Negotiating the fear; facing the unknown with only the certainty of today, cupped within your desperate hands.

My heart holds you up.

I see you.

Together we are standing before the One who showed me grace when I least deserved it. Favour; for reasons still unknown to me.

And you are not alone.

I am here. Oceans apart but holding your hand.

Trusting the great unknown to the only Known that has never let me down.

It is all that I have, and it is everything that I possess.

And it will be enough.

This Love will cover you, and it will keep you.

And until we get to stand within each other’s embrace once again.

Just hold on.

It will be ok.

— Conversations with my brother.

Guard your heart.

This

tender

heart of

mine.

I fight a war,

every

single

day,

to keep it

soft.

— Guard your heart. Fight a war over it if you must, but keep it soft.

When war breaks out (I bleed flowers).

My heart

splinters

under the weight

of these

memories.

Relentless in their

immortality;

demanding space

within my head.

Behind my eyes.

Insisting on life.

And still,

despite this war,

I choose to

bleed

flowers

instead of pain.

It is a quiet

rebellion.

—When war breaks out (I bleed flowers)

(I look for) Beauty in the midst of.

If I should

die,

before

I had hoped

to.

Remember

me

as one who

listened

for the nightingale’s

song

in the darkness.

— (I look for) Beauty in the midst of.

Choose (your) peace.

Do not use

the stones

that were

thrown

at

you,

as

ammunition.

You,

can be

a strong

and

peaceful place.

If

you

choose

to be.

— Choose (your) peace.

Learning to live unafraid.

To live, unafraid.

Surrendered.

My heart at peace.

My future,

yielded.

Just breathing in

this exquisite

gift

of now.

— Learning to live unafraid.

The last few weeks have brought me personal reason to step back — quiet myself within and listen.

Listen for that still voice showing me (once again) what really matters. And how I need to fight — really hard, for these things, because they don’t come to us easily.

Living unafraid is not our natural state, is it?

Anxiety and fear about things beyond my control — important life-and-death things, are threatening to rob me of so much.

I am surrendering.

Learning to live unafraid.

It’s big, and bold, and unreasonably brave.

The fragrance of peace.

I,

am filled

with

silence

and

flowers.

It is

a fragrant

peace.

—The fragrance of peace.