Conversations with my brother.

It’s a funny thing, life.

How we spend years under the same roof, intimately familiar with each other’s morning hair and how we prefer our coffee, but we don’t talk.

About the important things. The things that reveal the state of our breath — whether our hearts are bleeding, still.

We dance around the inane and get distracted by that which tells nothing.

And this goes on for years. A revolving door of pleasantries; tip-toeing around the marrow of our hurts.

Until.

We’ve had a few of those, haven’t we?

Those moments where the earth stops spinning on its axis and the breath is sucked from our lungs with a fierce ferocity.

And instead of drawing closer, we draw apart.

To heal, we say, but, what we really mean is to hide.

And here we are, with years on our faces and life has caused a geographical divide to bloom between us. But, our hearts — connected by unseen strands of the familiar, still recognise each other.

Each still knows the other’s laughter.

And I now, recognise the pain that you carry within your bones.

It is mine, too.

An unwanted gift with nowhere to call home, except the inside of our DNA.

This is the thing that connects us — this knowledge of things experienced that were never meant to be.

But they were.

And with it, our hearts were eviscerated.

We know this now.

At last.

It is still raw. This pain. Although, now, mercifully wrapped in the tissue that our bodies produce when the thing that will not leave us, is too great to constantly be paraded in our memories.

And now, even though our branches have grown apart, our roots remain entwined.

Love has held us.

Yes.

It has.

And I am watching you tentatively take the first steps on the same journey that I once had to take.

Negotiating the fear; facing the unknown with only the certainty of today, cupped within your desperate hands.

My heart holds you up.

I see you.

Together we are standing before the One who showed me grace when I least deserved it. Favour; for reasons still unknown to me.

And you are not alone.

I am here. Oceans apart but holding your hand.

Trusting the great unknown to the only Known that has never let me down.

It is all that I have, and it is everything that I possess.

And it will be enough.

This Love will cover you, and it will keep you.

And until we get to stand within each other’s embrace once again.

Just hold on.

It will be ok.

— Conversations with my brother.

Facing your giants

You cannot

do

the hard work

of

healing,

until you have

grappled

with

honesty.

About them.

About yourself.

Until then,

you will

forever

return

to a place of

brokenness.

Honesty, is the key.

To healing.

To freedom.

— Facing your giants.

.

.

It has been a hard, hard week for me on so many levels. And this… this is where I am. Facing my giants.

Healing is hard work.

It’s dirt-under-your-fingernails, relentless work. And it requires a deep commitment to honesty.

About the ones who have hurt you, and about yourself — particularly if you have tried to escape past hurts by addictive behaviours.

It all starts with honesty.

When relationships no longer nurture.

you cannot

force

someone

to feast at

your table.

— let them go.

I have become so desirous of quality relationships.

Of celebrating and being celebrated.

Of being seen, and heard—not just tolerated.

Not just being in someone’s life—online, or real life—just because of a tenuous connection.

There is a time for everything—including walking away from relationships that no longer show life, or nurturing.

This is my heart right now.

When you have big dreams.

when you ask

for more,

make sure

your hands

are open.

— i wait in expectation.

So, you have dreams.

If you’re like me, probably quite a few. Some are achievable—goals, more than the scary ‘so big I cannot actually imagine this ever happening, but my heart is desperate for it’ kind of dreams.

What do you do with those?

Keep them tucked away in your heart, only to take them out every so often to examine them in the harsh light of reality?

Do you believe they can come true? Come to fruition? If you’re a praying person, do you pray expectantly? If you’re not religious, but spiritual, do you affirm their reality?

I believe every dream that is birthed within you, is there because it has purpose—to bring joy to you, and to others.

Write it down. Get it onto paper. Start praying about. Start speaking affirmations about it.

But, do it expectantly!

Ask with open hands!

A challenge—let’s dream big!

Be brave with me,

Liezel xx

Fat.

feel

the weight

of the word

in your mouth,

before you set it free

to cling to the skin

of another.

sometimes,

the smallest words

are the

heaviest

to carry.

—fat.

This poem is deeply personal.

Years ago I battled bulimia.

I have, ever since I can remember, been in a constant struggle to accept my body. Many of my poems reflect this, and the healing that I have since found, but the battle always rages within—anyone recovered from an eating disorder will tell you the same.

Today, I am deeply passionate about body-positivity and appreciating bodies of all sizes and shapes. I exercise because I love the feeling and I eat to be healthy.

My spirit was bent out of shape from the very first time I was called ‘fat’—I was about 5 years old, and that word followed me for most of my formative years.

When others stopped; I continued calling myself ‘fat’.

F a t.

It is such a small word, isn’t it? And yet, it is a heavy word to carry.

It marks you.

Leaves you standing there—naked under the scrutiny of the one who flung it your way.

I have so much to write on this topic. So, so much, but just for tonight—this—take care with this word. Feel its weight before you allow it to cling to the skin of another.

Or, yourself.

What we all need.

And isn’t this what every, single heart needs to know—needs to hear?

That we are wanted?

That we matter *so much* that if we were not here, there would be a gaping hole in the universe.

Tell the ones that you hold in your heart, that they are wanted.

Tell them over, and over, so that they will never forget.

And know this one thing—you are too.

would you tell

me,

just one more time,

that

i am wanted.

—what we all need.

Don’t give up.

Whatever you’re struggling with tonight—do NOT give up!
Just keep at it. Keep chipping away at your goal.
And, you will get there, and the victory will be that much sweeter for the struggle.